Welcome to this, the blog of my innermost thoughts.
Please bare with me as I am still fairly new to this whole blogging thing, I hope that my writing style and subject matter will improve with time.
I aim to share with you the thoughts at the very deepest depths of my mind and soul, and share them with you in the hope that you can relate to these things.
At times it may be hard for me to say, at others at may be so trivial it was not even worth mentioning, but I want you to stick with me here.
This is not a cry for help, or a pledge for attention. I am just a man who needs to get my thoughts out, and this is the only way I know how.
I want to talk today about what I call "The Perversity of Solitude."
I explain myself as being emotionally co-dependent. What that means is, I only feel any self-esteem or happiness, when I am talking to someone and see that they show an interest in me as a person. I do not have the strength of soul to stand alone and hold my head high. I need someone behind me to hold me up, if that person is not there, I will fall.
I have always been this way, and have pretty much always been in relationships since I was a teenager. I ended my last relationship after the person who was supposed to care about me, just seemed to fade away. While I do not miss the person involved, I do miss having someone there. The problem is I always end up with the wrong person for me. That is not to say the people I have been in relationships were bad people, they weren't, but they weren't right for me.
So here I am, in my mid twenties, and truly alone for the first time. Not in a literal sense, I have good friends and supportive family, but I do not have that one person I can turn to, to catch me when I fall.
And so I am spending a lot of time on my own. Being around friends temporarily alleviates my issue of needing attention and gratification, but ultimately dissatisfying in the sense of coming home to an empty bed every night, knowing I am on no ones mind at that moment.
I lie there and my thoughts wander, the what if's and the why did I's. I try to keep them out but they settle back in. I wonder if it is because of my neediness that I push people away, or if it's because I so need someone to tell me how important I am to them all the time, I fail to give them that back in return.
This is the perversity of my solitude, I sit inside and hate the world, happy couples walk past the window and I resent those who have not loved and lost, those who have not watched their loved ones betray them. Is it better to be with the wrong person than to be alone?
This I have not found the answer to. Alone I am unhappy, and yet with the wrong person just one month ago, I was unhappy.
Now I know what the healthiest thing to do is, it is to find the strength to be able to stand alone, and be happy and secure in that. To walk alone down a road, and be confident that I am making the right choices, that I am a good man. I want that I truly do. In trying to accomplish this I have turned people away who have offered themselves to me. I do not want a quick fix for one night, I am not that sort of person, although that is not to say that I don't suffer from the same urges as any man out there, but really, who ever feels good after all that?
No, I need to gain the strength in myself to not care if I end the night with the perfect woman, or just at the pub with good friends. Until I have that I will continue to be the foolish, heart on a sleeve socially awkward man I have become. Stumbling my way through dates and social occasions, so eager to please that I drive people away.
So I go to bed alone again tonight, for the right reasons, because I have chosen to. Because I want to believe I can be strong enough on my own. But for all that, I am still alone.