However it seems I was just going through a good moment, based largely in part due to some unexpected attention. Needless to say as quickly as it came it went, and here I am once more.
For what it's worth to myself, I was so conscious of my usual problems of neediness and attention-craving that I deliberately held back and gave them some room to breathe. Guess I just held too loosely.
All that said there have been some good moments, reconnecting with an old friend, as well as making some new ones.
Whoever the (first) anonymous is has been incredibly helpful in getting my head round this condition, a major part of which has been convincing me that my problem is not unique, and that many people go through this. In that respect, I hope that if anyone reading this shares my feelings, that they get some benefit from the blog. Also if they should want to talk my comment box is always open.
For all that, the luck I have had in friendships, I am still lacking the one thing I crave more than anything. Someone to be there when I get home.
As much as I know it would be detrimental to my personal journey to settle down with someone again before I am ready, I still find my thoughts are almost entirely based around where I can find that someone.
The thing is, the more I rush it, the more likely I am to find someone, who for a short while will satisfy my basic needs of having someone. But in the long run it would be unfair on both of us. I need someone to connect with on a spiritual level, with whom just a look in the eyes can say a thousand words. Such a person surely comes along once in a lifetime, and what if I have already lost mine?
The cycle is complete, and I am returned to you dear readers, the same broken soul I was before.
Dear Lavidius,
ReplyDeleteMoods are another human foible which is easy to perceive in yourself, but less so in others. We are constantly ebbing and flowing, our moods inspired by weather, sleep, friends, hormones.....
It is easy to think you are the only one rocking up and down on a rough sea. But all of us have to an extent high and low moods. It's perfectly normal.
So the chances are you just having a short period of low mood. Look at what is going on around you - Summer is dying, the days getting shorter, the weather less cheery. Many feel a little down as Autumn begins and we take our steady road to Winter.
One question I wonder about when I read your blog is whether you are really more 'needy' than anyone else. I doubt it. We all crave someone to come home to, someone to talk to, who will understand, who we have that special connections. That need is normal. Not 'needy' at all.
One idea I'd like to disabuse you of is that there is only one 'soulmate' you will meet in a lifetime. That is as much a myth as 'The One'. There are so many people in this world, 6 billion and counting, there will be another very special person even if you missed one of the others.
But watch out! The compatible one may disguise herself. She may not like your kind of music, food, drink, films..... She may disagree with your views. She may look very different from 'your type'. Keep your eyes out for someone you truly connect with. Someone who you can sit with and say nothing at all if the mood takes you.
Go well, Lavidius. You are not a broken soul. And if you are, then so are we all. That I promise.
Your first anonymous.