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Thursday, 6 October 2011

Anonymous, and the little things

I have known I was codependent since I was about 18 years old, when I destroyed a relationship with it.  It is a lot for someone to take on, even if they devote themselves to you, sometimes it's not enough and they just can't carry on anymore.

I have had a bumpy road, some amazing highs and some terrible lows.

For example, for a short while I got swept up in a whirlwind romance, from a chance meeting in a park, within weeks we had declared our love and sped off into the sunset.  What made it work so well for that short time, was that she was another codependent. 

But it was seriously unhealthy.
We fed eachothers addictions unrelentingly, understanding the others desire to be adored, we wrapped ourselves in our own world, shutting everything else out, knowing that as long as we had eachother, we always had someone.

It went disastrously wrong, as our need for affection meant that when we argued, she sought that attention elsewhere.  As quickly as it came, it went.  I'm not angry anymore, just a hell of a lot wiser.

But now, in my current step towards peaceful solitude, and the comfort of one, I have discovered something about myself.

I can take immense momentary joy in the smallest things.

In my last entry I wrote about the feeling of the sun on my skin, and the warmth it brought me within.
But that was just one thing.

At work, I had a moment where I realised I was actually quite lucky.  I told a colleague that I was happy because when I wake up in the mornings, I don't find myself going "oh god I have to go to work."  I just get there, and I enjoy the company.

Well needless to say it earnt me some strange looks, turns out nearly everyone there doesn't like their jobs, so I guess I am lucky to be doing something I enjoy, how many people have that?

At another point on the train ride in, a girl smiled at me when our eyes met, for a moment our souls touched and I fell in love, for the quickest moment, and then it passed.  It's hard to explain, I couldnt even describe her to you now, and in a way that doesn't matter, but we connected for the quickest moment, and I can only hope she felt the same thing.

This was not a case of spotting a cute girl and wanting her number, I had no desire to get to know here, we both got what we needed from that encounter, strange as that may be.

But the ultimate point came in anonymous form, when someone took the time to be the first commenter on this blog.

He or she took the time to explain to me that this is all natural, and that I am not the only one to think these things.  Whoever they are, I owe them a lot, because they pushed the darkness away, letting a glimpse of light in.  It will fade with time, as does everything, but for a moment there, I was not alone.

And when I sleep alone again tonight, I won't really be alone, I will be out there with all the lonely people, the ones who wonder if someone cares.  We are in this together, and if you have ever felt the way I do now, know that I am with you.

Thankyou Anonymous, and sweet dreams.


  1. I think everyone out there has at some point been searching for something or as is more often the case someone.
    Some people are lucky enough to find what they are looking for, whilst others go through life never really knowing what it is they are seeking.
    Taking the time to enjoy the little things like a shared smile with a stranger is, perhaps, one of the few ways to make the searching bareable. That and finally reaching the day when you realise you are not the only one who is still looking and you are not alone.

  2. Thank you for your thoughts. With every comment that comes in the more I see how other people feel exactly the same. I'm glad you understand what I meant by that description, and thanks again for taking the time to comment

  3. Dear Lavidius

    I note that another Anonymous has also stepped in to offer you guidance. I am pleased for his/her kind help. However, I am your original Anonymous.

    I reiterate that an essential part of the human condition is to require and desire company. We were created the most social of animals. This is both our blessing and curse,

    What is so difficult is working the people we consider to be 'our' people. Heaven knows, I've got it wrong so many times in my own life. Someone I had a rapport with, but turn out to be untrustworthy. Someone who appeared self-absorbed but was no more than shy, and happened to be a diamond. I've done it countless times!

    The real challenge is to enter into relationships and leave before they become unhealthy! Easier said than done!

    I note the comments of your other Anonymous friend, that we are all searching. I heartily endorse that view. Half the people (no, actually, far more than that!) are searching for meaning in life. Some are actually pretending they have found it! You will find that when you scratch beneath the surface, some of the most settled and confident people you know are still trying to work out what it is all about.

    We are creatures of the world. Therefore we are affected by the world. We are affected by the number of daylight hours, the season, the weather. How arrogant would we be if we thought that this affected only 'the animals' of the world and not us.

    You are certainly not alone in what you feel. Hold that as a positive. We all have to grapple with fears and doubts like yours. They can torment us, but if we engage in frank discussion, we can (and should) set ourselves free!

    With love
    Your first Anonymous

  4. Dear First Anon,
    I thank you for your response. I had a feeling that the previous commenter was not you, based purely on writing style. Both of you have been so kind as to even consider things from my point of view, let alone even comment here.

    I agree with you on the idea of the social need of our species being both a blessing and a curse. It both holds us together and destroys us. Similarly I know where you are coming from when you say that the key is to leave relationships before they come unhealthy, however I must disagree with you here.

    Not because I disagree with you, I understand that desire, even as a codependent, I long thought about leaving my previous partner, knowing it would deliver me the worst fate possible, that of being alone.

    However, to me personally (and please understand I am not saying your opinion is wrong, just stating my own) to enter into a relationship with any view other than the desire to make it last for life is a betrayal. To me love is the most valuable part of the human spirit, and we should all aim to give it as few times as possible. I for one hope that my next recipient (should I be so lucky as to meet one) will be the last.

    For all that, I want to thank you for the things you have said so far. I cannot express what it means to me to have someone like yourself discussing and sharing this with me.

    I hope you liked the post I dedicated in part to you, and hope that you continue to comment in future.

    From Lavidius,
    your friend.

  5. Dear Lavidius,

    It pleased me immensely that you dedicated a post to me - but feared it would be somewhat self-obsessed to say so. It's not all about me, now, is it?

    We agree on more than you think. When I said about leaving a relationship (be in family, friend or love relationship) before it became unhealthy, I did not mean without careful thought. I did not mean walk away because you aren't getting everything your own way (as so many others are doing these days). I realise the way I put it may have made it sound fickle. I didn't explain myself fully, and that is my fault, if I am trying to share my thoughts on the complexities of human relations.

    I totally agree that you should not enter into a relationship with anything other than the real desire for that relationship to be lasting. To do anything else is dishonest and as you say, a betrayal. It has always been my rule in all my relationships - friends and otherwise.

    What I think I was trying to say is that we should also be mindful to assess whether our relationships are doing us good or ill. When they become harmful - the most obvious example being a relationship involving manipulation or psychological abuse - then as long as you have done what you could to make it work, you can walk away with head held high.

    We all have different opinions on these matters. It is good for us to air them, whether in agreement or disagreement. It is only in the plurality of our views that we come to understand the wide experience of humanity.

    Go well into the world, Young Lavidius.

  6. Hey Constantine, you wont go to bed alone this night because i will have you in my mind, so you and me will have a conection.
    Your sensitivity is incredible, I feel you as a balm to my soul.