Full Circle

Ever feel like no matter where you put yourself, or what you make yourself do... it's never enough?
I'm coming to see this in myself, it's not a problem with the world, it's a problem with me.

I've been quiet for some time here, the veil I pulled on covered things well enough, and for some time I was able to forget my past and look forwards, but maybe it was all a lie.

What I am getting at here, is my fundamental self sabotage I seem to conduct on a daily basis.
I would tear your world in half just to get what I want

But when I have it?   It's not what I thought it should be.


So here I am, still sitting here, typing into this little window, still hoping someone out there will jump in and go

"Hey it turns out your problem is a lack of iron, eat more salad and you'll be happy!"

But fuck that noise, it's not some chemical issue, nor a physical malady.  It's just my demon sitting on my shoulder, pushing me away from the things I should really be doing to make me happy.  That little shadow inside all of us...

I need an angel

 

An afterthought...

I have just remembered a conversation I had with someone who means the world to me, and thought I would share it with you.

She asked me

"Is it not for the best to love someone, if only for a short while?  We have so little time on this Earth that we owe it to ourselves to surrender ourselves to that almighty feeling, and just embrace it?"

I only had one response:

"For me, love is not something to be given temporarily. Though it may not work out as such, my hope is that when I fall in love with someone, it is so powerful, so strong and timeless, that even should the universe tear itself in half, she would be waiting for me on the other side"

Two very different and yet very true viewpoints on love

Believe in Nothing... and the secret you will never read.

Today the darkness came like a wave.

My head is being messed with, and the worst part of it all, is the person responsible would wish me no harm,

Compared to what she has been through, my problems are but whispers in the night.
I have not forgotten my entry here about how the weather and seasons effect me, just today my spirits were lifted by this fleeting beauty:

For all that though, winter draws in, with longer nights my moods become bleaker.  I find myself desperately wanting to help someone in her hour of need, only to find that it may not be even me she wants comfort from.

Winter is not just for the earth but for the soul as well.

This, I feel, is a crucial juncture for me.  I am currently at the bottom of my most recent cycle of mind.  Obviously my mood will improve, given the irrational nature of my psyche, I may be the happiest man in the world tomorrow.  However, something is different today.

Normally, when I feel this way, I will see a friend, someone who cares, and spend some time with them.  Just for that one moment, everything goes away.

It's just me and you.  How can the world have ever been unhappy when  my heart is drawn to yours like this?

Today, I have locked myself away.  It doesn't help things, I don't feel better for it, and yet....

Today I truly want what I fear the most, to be alone...

 For that which I have never had the bravery or honesty to say, let me hide in this most secret of places.  

Hello You...

Hello you... it's been a long time, how are you?
Me?  Yes I am great, I have achieved many a great thing since... you know...
And yourself? Ah well, that is good news...

She deceives me...

Ah but don't we both lie to eachother?  
I know you...
There is a reason we tell so many lies you and I, oh please don't deny it
We create this web of deceit around ourselves, not so that we may be envied by everyone,
no, that would be far too... grandiose...
We do this so that they will hear us Love us
Because under it all, we are the same you and I.
So don't tell me how great things are, there is only one reason you have travelled so far to be here, with me, tonight... to be with me
To be with someone...

How do I know these things? Well in truth I am revealing no more about you than you could reveal about me, we both have the curse, the thirst, The compulsion to be observed, needed and desired.
Ahhh yes, I see the mask falling now... let me see into your eyes
Into your soul...

Yes... we understand eachother now.  Your weakness is my weakness.
Your desires, my desires.
Your curse, My curse...


The same reason that you are here, seeking company out, is the same reason I am here, letting it in
After everything we went through
After everything you did...

I cannot escape you, we are bad for eachother, and for those around us,

Like two black holes colliding, we do not cure eachothers insatiable need, but instead clash and combine to form a universe of despair.

And yet the pull is irresistible, for no force is stronger than loneliness

So come in, let us pass the time once more like before, let us slide into to oblivion once again

Drag me to hell, just so I am not alone

Let's not worry about tomorrow, we know it will hurt, but tonight... tonight we are forever  
 

The Cycles of Mind

I haven't posted for a few days, because, in truth I felt a lot better and therefore lacked the motivation to come here and vent myself.

However it seems I was just going through a good moment, based largely in part due to some unexpected attention.  Needless to say as quickly as it came it went, and here I am once more.

For what it's worth to myself, I was so conscious of my usual problems of neediness and attention-craving that I deliberately held back and gave them some room to breathe.  Guess I just held too loosely.

All that said there have been some good moments, reconnecting with an old friend, as well as making some new ones.

Whoever the (first) anonymous is has been incredibly helpful in getting my head round this condition, a major part of which has been convincing me that my problem is not unique, and that many people go through this.  In that respect, I hope that if anyone reading this shares my feelings, that they get some benefit from the blog.  Also if they should want to talk my comment box is always open.

For all that, the luck I have had in friendships, I am still lacking the one thing I crave more than anything.  Someone to be there when I get home.
As much as I know it would be detrimental to my personal journey to settle down with someone again before I am ready, I still find my thoughts are almost entirely based around where I can find that someone.

The thing is, the more I rush it, the more likely I am to find someone, who for a short while will satisfy my basic needs of having someone.  But in the long run it would be unfair on both of us.  I need someone to connect with on a spiritual level, with whom just a look in the eyes can say a thousand words.  Such a person surely comes along once in a lifetime, and what if I have already lost mine?

The cycle is complete, and I am returned to you dear readers, the same broken soul I was before.

Anonymous, and the little things

I have known I was codependent since I was about 18 years old, when I destroyed a relationship with it.  It is a lot for someone to take on, even if they devote themselves to you, sometimes it's not enough and they just can't carry on anymore.

I have had a bumpy road, some amazing highs and some terrible lows.

For example, for a short while I got swept up in a whirlwind romance, from a chance meeting in a park, within weeks we had declared our love and sped off into the sunset.  What made it work so well for that short time, was that she was another codependent. 

But it was seriously unhealthy.
We fed eachothers addictions unrelentingly, understanding the others desire to be adored, we wrapped ourselves in our own world, shutting everything else out, knowing that as long as we had eachother, we always had someone.

It went disastrously wrong, as our need for affection meant that when we argued, she sought that attention elsewhere.  As quickly as it came, it went.  I'm not angry anymore, just a hell of a lot wiser.

But now, in my current step towards peaceful solitude, and the comfort of one, I have discovered something about myself.

I can take immense momentary joy in the smallest things.

In my last entry I wrote about the feeling of the sun on my skin, and the warmth it brought me within.
But that was just one thing.

At work, I had a moment where I realised I was actually quite lucky.  I told a colleague that I was happy because when I wake up in the mornings, I don't find myself going "oh god I have to go to work."  I just get there, and I enjoy the company.

Well needless to say it earnt me some strange looks, turns out nearly everyone there doesn't like their jobs, so I guess I am lucky to be doing something I enjoy, how many people have that?

At another point on the train ride in, a girl smiled at me when our eyes met, for a moment our souls touched and I fell in love, for the quickest moment, and then it passed.  It's hard to explain, I couldnt even describe her to you now, and in a way that doesn't matter, but we connected for the quickest moment, and I can only hope she felt the same thing.

This was not a case of spotting a cute girl and wanting her number, I had no desire to get to know here, we both got what we needed from that encounter, strange as that may be.

But the ultimate point came in anonymous form, when someone took the time to be the first commenter on this blog.

He or she took the time to explain to me that this is all natural, and that I am not the only one to think these things.  Whoever they are, I owe them a lot, because they pushed the darkness away, letting a glimpse of light in.  It will fade with time, as does everything, but for a moment there, I was not alone.

And when I sleep alone again tonight, I won't really be alone, I will be out there with all the lonely people, the ones who wonder if someone cares.  We are in this together, and if you have ever felt the way I do now, know that I am with you.

Thankyou Anonymous, and sweet dreams.

Is it the moon that truly burns me?

I am noticing a pattern in the nature of my thought process, a pattern that is as old as time itself.

My moods seem to be more affected by the movement of the Earth than I had previously thought, I find that during the day, with the sunlight coming down on me, I tend to have a more positive out look, an understanding that I am OK with myself.  Don't get me wrong the loneliness is still there, but I lack the social awkwardness and introverted side of myself that the night truly brings out in me.

Is it as simple as during the day I am occupying my time, surrounded by people too busy to sink into the Perversity of Solitude I spoke about yesterday?
Or is it a more natural thing? As I am affected by the light and seasons as the plants and animals around me?  Like an orchid that opens proud and bright in the day, only to close up and wither at night.

By this logic, would people closer to the equator lead happier lives based purely on the fact that they see more sunlight than I do?  I don't know, but I do know depression and suicide rates are amongst the highest in Scandinavia, where at times they have 24hrs of darkness.

This gives me a hope, that in the depths of night, if I can just make it through, if I can just push on until the sun rises, somehow, things will find a way to be OK again?

Nature is a mightier Goddess than I previously believed.

Here's to the sun rising, and the certainty that it will continue do so, and brighten the world for countless millions, long after I am forgotten.